Thursday, August 7, 2008

Am I My Worst Enemy?

I've been thinking about self-sabotage.

Because I succumb to it. Not every day or even every week. But I do. Too much.

Like when I'm on a roll health-wise and I fall completely off the wagon and into a ditch in one fell swoop by way of a ridiculously sugar-filled dessert.

Or a no-holds-barred weekend of eating whatever I want. Sort of like the last two evenings when I found myself snacking almost incessantly. (And I knew this was today's post because I drafted it on Monday.)

Or I take a "diet vacation" at the end of the year, and even after I put back on the first 5-7 lbs, I keep eating whatever I want, knowing what the end result will be.

Or not exercising for a whole week, or month, or ...

Or staying up late to watch re-runs of some television show or a movie that I've seen a million times.

Or not drinking enough water when all I need to do is fill the cup and start drinking and I just feel too lazy to do that.

Or I start thinking I'll never lose all this weight.

Or I start seeing everyone as taller, sleeker, more fashionable, more glamourous, etc. and wondering when I became a dual-candidate for "What Not To Wear" and "Extreme Makeover".

The negative energy can be overwhelming some times. The enemy's minions are always at work and they know every weak and vulnerable point I have.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.
Isa 26:3, from the NIV Translation
or
People with their minds set on you, you keep completely whole.
Isa 26:3, from The Message

Sometimes I have to remind arrest my mind, turn it around, and head it in the right direction. Sometimes that's pretty easy. Other times, it's a herculean effort, especially if I'm pulling my body, my flesh, my mind in one direction when there's an equal and opposite tug in another.

The peace of God is always available but I can't say I always live in it.

I wish I could.

Because I've talked to God for so long about these same things. And I am selective in who I talk to about these things outside of Him. Or I have been...until now.

Why is it so easy to give God the big things but we hold on for dear life to the things that seem both trivial yet insurmountable?

Don't worry. I'm in a good place. Just a little slippage, in part brought on by monthly hormonal changes that are all too real and seem like they'll never end. But I started thinking about this topic and wondering, since I know how the film of my life to this point goes, why I do keep re-enacting certain parts over and over?

What causes self-sabotage?

I know I'm not my worst enemy. That would be the spirit that comes "to steal, kill, and destroy". I know that he's coming and that I have victory. I know that should I fall prey, I can get up and try again, and I do so much more quickly than I did years ago. But after all these years, how is it that as a believer, I'm still vulnerable to his ploys?

Thinking about all this gets me to thinking about another topic. Valuing myself.

Do I truly value myself? Do my words say so? Do my thoughts? Do my actions line up with what I say and think? Do my words, thoughts, and actions line up, more importantly, with what God says? Is it possible to value yourself in many ways but devalue yourself in others?

I'll be pondering these questions here for a bit. If you have any thoughts on the subject, I'd love to hear them. I may be a pastor's wife and a victorious child of the King but as much as I give praises and encourage others, I struggle too.

What about you?

Peace & Blessings,
Patricia

2 comments:

Chicki said...

Quote: "Or I start seeing everyone as taller, sleeker, more fashionable, more glamourous, etc. and wondering when I became a dual-candidate for "What Not To Wear" and "Extreme Makeover."

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who goes through this, It's hard, but I try to remember that I shouldn't compare myself to anyone but Jesus.

Don't beat yourself up about the slips. Remember Proverbs 24:16: "...for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again."

Patricia W. said...

Yesterday morning was mentally tough but I'm back on track. I made myself exercise yesterday although I felt like a huge slug. Then I stayed away from the snacks in the evening, drank water, and exercised again this morning.

It's a day by day battle.