Monday, October 24, 2011

Sometimes Getting Beyond the Pain Means Getting Out of the Boat

Angie looks deranged in this picture, doesn't she?  I assure you she's not.  She is a powerful and funny speaker.

I can't relate Angie Smith's talk which centered on the loss of her daughter.  I can't do it justice.

Too painful.

Too close to home.

We too lost a daughter to physical challenges identified while she was yet in utero.  Our Stephanie was a stillbirth; Angie got to hold her daughter until she breathed her last breath a few hours after delivery.

Both are devastating experiences.

Angie talked about impossible faith using the story of Peter being asked to walk on water and, because he realized it wasn't something he should be able to do, he began to sink.  To paraphrase, Angie said, "Every day we have to choose between what the world tells us and allows us access to, and a man who tells us He is the Son of God."

I sobbed through her talk, especially once she took a moment to recognize all the women in the audience who had experienced a pregnancy or infant loss, in keeping with the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I thought I was over it.

Not "over it."  You're never over this.

Rather, I thought I had made my peace with my loss.

No, I haven't.

Not sure I ever fully will.

The thought that came to my mind was that getting past the pain is not the same as being healed from the hurt.  Pain tolerance can grow over time.

Healing for this thing seems impossible.

It will require impossible faith.

What I also know is that Jesus will hold your hand and walk with you even as you are walking in pain.  He, of course, is waiting for me to give my pain and my inability to forgive myself for what I see as my fault to Him, but as long as I'm carrying it, He'll still be right there by my side to soothe and to comfort so that I can bear it. 

Until I no longer have to because He does.


Melissa Tagg said...

"What I also know is that Jesus will hold your hand and walk with you even as you are walking in pain."

So, so true. Encouraging post, Patricia. And praying for a Comfort like no other to carry the continued hurt from your loss.

Ruthie Dean said...

Beatifully written truth, Patricia. Very encouraging to anyone who has been through excruciating pain and starts to sink. I love Angie Smith's ministry.

--Ruthie Dean

PatriciaW said...

Melissa, Thank you.

Ruthie, I really enjoyed Angie. I have to find out more about her ministry.