Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Six Months Have Passed But My Thoughts Are The Same

I wrote this entire post at the end of April but never posted it. I'm glad I kept it in draft mode because I just about could have written this same post today. I'm at 196 lbs., still down 18 from this year's high, but up 5 from this year's low. I'm in one of those in-between places, struggling to stay on the right path even if I'm dragging myself down the straightaway and around the curves.

Below is what I was thinking in April and am still pondering today. Later in the week I'll write the post I planned to write, "Potato Chips Are Of The Devil".


Been thinking about food as a source of comfort. I don't just mean in terms of enjoyment but as a type of balm for what ails me.

Not a new topic in the world of dieting. I remember Oprah talking about this very same thing almost 20 years ago.

At the time, I thought, "Not me." I assumed I (a) didn't know how to eat properly, which could be fixed; and (b) I had no willpower.

Well, I now know how to eat properly. I really do, even though it remains a challenge from meal to meal, day to day.

As for the willpower, I'm still tossing that one around in my head. Dr. Kessler's research suggests that willpower isn't really the problem, or is only part of the problem, thanks to the profit-hungry food industry.

No, I'm talking about eating to fix what ails me inside. I began thinking about this because I was wondering why the scale's been stuck for the past two months. I know it's because I've slacked off on both eating right and exercising.

But why?

Because when other things just aren't right, I use food not only to comfort myself, but to punish myself.

Yep, I said punish, a revelation I had last night.

When things are going really well in my life, when everything's in order and moving forward on all cylinders, I find it easy to eat right and to exercise diligently. I'm eager and enthusiastic. It becomes almost effortless.

But when things are not quite right, I start to tell myself those "treats" are okay, as long as I don't over do it. It's all right if my workout isn't quite as long or as intense, as long as I'm still working out.

Before I know it, the eating is more bad than good, and the exercise, although consistent in frequency, is way down in duration and intensity. Is is a wonder that the scale won't budge?

Then I begin feeling bad, a sure-fire recipe for falling completely off the wagon.

Eating the right things 50-75% of the time, and working out but not giving it my all is not the ticket to losing weight. I watched The Biggest Loser on Tuesday, and I continue to be amazed by just how hard those folks work to lose their weight. So what makes me think I can lose mine by slacking?

Why do I eat things I know will come back to haunt me, especially when I'm telling myself I shouldn't do it, even as I chew? Why do I tell myself it's okay to sleep another five, ten, thirty minutes, knowing I'm sabotaging any chance of beginning my day with exercise?

I'm not beating myself up here. I'm just trying to understand. I believe it has to do with my "deserve quotient". Deep down, how much do I truly believe I deserve to be healthy, at an appropriate weight, and in good physical condition?

I don't know.

Do you feel you deserve to be healthy? If so, why aren't you? Do you use food to soothe or medicate yourself? If you used to, how did you stop?

Peace & Blessings,


Pastor Tarran Carter said...

I love your blog. I could truely use this. When I was living in CA I worked out 4-times a week. Moved to NY and I don't know what happened. However, I need to get back into it. You know when you get older things happen in your body: hair thins, weight becomes and issue, etc.

Vicki said...

I understand exactly what your saying. I'm up 30 pounds from a only a few years ago. When and how did that happen?? I realized I started not worrying about what or when I ate. Now it's so hard to get back on track.

I needed to read this today. Thank you!! :)

Diane Fit to the Finish said...

Yes, you are 100% right. It's really not possible to separate out the emotional part of eating from the rest of eating because they are intertwined.

It was hard for me to really believe that 1) I could be healthy and 2) I deserved to be healthy and fit.

Those emotions took time to come around to, and were still being worked out after I reached my goals.

You do deserve to be healthy, fit, and happy. And you have the strength to reach your goals - I know you do because I can tell from reading some of your past posts that you are a strong woman.

PatriciaW said...

Thanks, Diane. I believe I deserve good health too, but my actions don't always match up with that belief.